Title: THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST Author: Oscar Wilde Source: Adapted from the 1895 play Format: Screenplay INT. ALGERNON'S DRAWING-ROOM - DAY ALGERNON (20s), aristocratic and effortlessly charming, plays a chaotic, avant-garde melody on the piano. LANE, the butler, enters the room carrying a tray of cucumber sandwiches. He places them meticulously on the table. Algernon stops playing and turns around. ALGERNON Did you hear what I was playing, Lane? LANE I didn't think it polite to listen, sir. ALGERNON I'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play accurately--any one can play accurately--but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life. LANE Yes, sir. ALGERNON And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell? LANE Yes, sir. Lane hands the silver tray forward. Algernon immediately inspects them, takes two, and begins eating. ALGERNON (chewing) Oh, by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed. LANE Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint. ALGERNON Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information. LANE I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand. ALGERNON Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralizing as that? LANE I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person. ALGERNON (amused) I don't know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane. LANE No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself. ALGERNON Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you. LANE Thank you, sir. Lane bows and exits, leaving Algernon alone with the dwindling pile of sandwiches.